Monday, January 27, 2014

A Decade of Solitude

Time flew so fast that it’s going to be a decade now.

A Decade of responsibility,
A Decade of making my own decisions,
A decade of Insecurity,
A decade where I have lost many things, and gained some.

It’s like ages ago when I used to feel comfortable, happy and full of joy. Life changed in such a way, that I have never expected to be, until I was 18.
A whole different world was waiting, I didn’t see that coming. I remember the evening when I was informed, and it was like everything which I had, I lost.

I lost you, We lost you…

Load of advises, various rituals, and many people giving assurances, all fake.
It’s been years and I forgot what it feels like calling Dad/Papa.
How it’s like to feel secure?
How it feels when you get scolding on wrong decisions?
and appreciated when you do something good.
How it feels to ask/demand without thinking?
How it feels like mom taking my side against you?
What festival means, what is the joy of celebration? How togetherness feels.

Forgot what fear is?
Fear of not doing something,
fear of doing right thing,
fear of get beaten up on mistakes.
And now, I only have this blurry image of all those feelings, and It’s just me now, trying to do the right thing.
It’s been decade when someone had told me “do what you want, I am here with you”. I forgot how it feels when someone says: “Don’t worry I am here”.

I remember when I was little, I just followed the decisions that you took for me. Good, Bad, Sad whatever, but I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to put my brains in it. I just had to follow.
It’s been a decade I am making my own decisions. Good or bad, Right or wrong, no one questioned. And I grew up very soon, when normally teenager think about spending money, party with their friends, buy a new bike, I started thinking about earning, saving and not to become a liability on her, trying to support her anyway I could, and I did my best. Still, I think I made mistakes, I could have done it better, but I learned from all the mistakes I made.

I approximately experienced everything in these 10 years, how people change, how they act as they are your true guardians, and then how they just don’t give a damn about you. How someone walk into your life and act as you are an integral part of their lives, and then walk-out as you were nothing. Relatives, Friends and people who say ‘You are like family to them’, keep on coming and crossing by, like passengers, they don’t stay, they don’t care. And that’s the truth of life.

There were times, when I was neglected, rejected, demotivated, unappreciated, with these same people who gave me all those crap of assurances, advised me ‘what to do and what not to do’.

But still I respect all of them. I learned this from you, watching you giving respect to everyone, doesn’t matter who they are or what they had done. The respect you gave to her, the respect you had for our likes and dislikes and our decisions, anyone else can’t give, and so there is no point.

You were and are my ideal. I always wanted to be like you, the way you walked, the way you talked, the way you dressed up, you were the most handsome person I had ever known or seen.

My existence is because of you and you are my father.  I forgot what this word means but yes I still have those images of yours and sense that you are still somewhere watching and guiding me, giving me strength to take big decisions and supporting me when I go wrong. And this makes me strong and I forgot what feeling week is…

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